Observing the Observer

(Random thoughts from a fellow human being)

Do you ever have one of those days where you feel like an observer of your own life?

Like you're just watching yourself move through the motions, like a hovering ghost watching from above. You watch your body move - shower, make breakfast, drink your coffee, leave for work - but you aren't actually there, present in your physical form.

What a funny thing that is. Feels almost robotic, but you can't seem to snap back out of that ethereal state floating above. It's like watching yourself through your own eyes, or maybe more like watching yourself in a mirror, reflecting back at you. Or maybe more like a two-way mirror where one isn't even aware they are being observed.

Who is this creature you are watching? Why do they move like that? Where are they going? Are they even aware of the direction they are moving in?

Life. What is it really? Motions and movements moving towards... what?

I have heard that to laugh is to live, but what about on those days where the laughter is hard to find, or feels so out of reach. Is that still life? Are you still living?

We humans are definitely peculiar creatures; we have a depth that other creatures don't have, yet we squander it on trivial things.

And here, floating above myself, I am observing the motions. These flawless movements created by practice and repetition that make up the day. That take away the hours and minutes on the clock. But what if life is not just about finding laughter? What if it's about experiencing all the waves, the pain, the desire, the ugly, the beautiful. Maybe it's about finding out what that all means for you, no one else, but you.

Just like our fingerprints, our inner landscapes are unique to each of us. Maybe we need to stop trying to create and configure these landscapes, these beautifully messy imperfect landscapes, to what we think everyone else's looks like, what we think we see in everyone else's. Do you really want theirs? We all show what we want others to see; the tended to trees and hedges, the trimmed flowers and freshly cut grass. But what about the rocky areas that are hard to get too? Too harsh to navigate, but beautifully rugged. The weeds that keep coming up, hard to get rid of, but actually needed. The steep hills or mountain sides that sit mostly in the dark and cold, with hidden caves of our darkest secrets, desires, and unsavory thoughts.

Are those landscapes not just as lovely? Are they not just as much a part of us?

I don't want to be an observer of my life, silently, painfully going through the motions.

I don't want to just observe. I want to live. I think that is the point, to show up everyday and choose life, in whatever that looks like for you. It doesn't even have to be the same everyday. It's allowed to be varied, different, like your inner landscape. Let parts of you grow wild, you can have your neat and tidy kept parts too, but remind yourself there is room for all of it. Don't limit your world - inner or outer.

Because you are worthy of LIVING, not just observing.

So on those days where you feel like an observer of your own life, maybe that is the best time to check in with your inner gardener, landscaper, explorer and curious adventurer and ask, "What needs tending today, and what needs to be left alone to run wild?"

Because, let's face it, the parts that are left to run wild and are given freedom, are often the parts that create the most magical and memorable life!

In warmth & love,

Amanda